Conflict Isn’t the Enemy—Silence Is

Backstroke & Breakthroughs – Post #23

When people hear “DEI,” they often expect harmony.
They think it’s about making everyone feel good, feel seen, feel aligned.
But real equity work doesn’t start with comfort, it starts with disruption.

Let me say it plainly:
Conflict isn’t the enemy—silence is.

I learned that long before I stepped into a boardroom.
I learned it at home, in a family of 11, where no two siblings were exactly alike.
Different backgrounds, some adopted, some not. Different shades of skin. Different intelligences. Different traumas.
We didn’t always agree, but we had to figure out how to live together. And that meant we had to talk it out, even when it got messy.

Sometimes we yelled.
Sometimes we cried.
Sometimes we walked away and came back the next day.
But we never let silence win.

That instinct followed me into my DEI work.
When I’m called into organizations, they often say things like:

“We just want people to feel comfortable.”
“We’re trying to avoid tension.”
“Let’s keep the conversation positive.”

But here’s the truth: You can’t heal what you won’t name.
And you can’t grow if no one feels safe enough to be honest.

In one public media space, I observed people with genuine concerns remaining silent for years because they didn’t believe their words would be protected. By the time they spoke up, the damage had already hardened into policy and culture.
Silence had done its job.

So now, when I build or advise ERGs or facilitate dialogue, I don’t aim for politeness I aim for truth. I set the container so that when conflict comes, we don’t fear it.
We use it.
We ask: What is this tension trying to teach us?

Because when conflict is welcomed with care, it becomes a tool for:

• Clarity
  
• Accountability
  
• Innovation
  
• Trust
  

This week’s takeaway:
The goal of DEI isn’t to avoid conflict it’s to move through it with courage and care.

Conflict is a sign that something matters.
Silence is often a sign that people have given up.

So, the next time tension rises in your workplace, don’t reach for the rug.
Reach for the truth.
And invite people to bring their full selves, even the parts that shake the room.

Still disrupting the silence,
– J.R.